Ok, I need to calm down. Take a deep breath.
The thing is, I get unravelled really easily. Emotionally unravelled. So I really need to calm down.
Forgive my fragmented thoughts, I am still in a bit of a frenzied state.
Let me start from the beginning.
I realised I have been getting emotionally frenzied every time I bump into people I know in my halls. Not like people staying there- those I am completely used to, I enjoy it even, to see them and spend time with them. I mean my classmates who don’t stay in the hall and somehow turn up in my hall.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have hard feelings towards these people, I consider them friends, even. It’s just- I’m intensely and ironically private. I use social media and post my thoughts (I guess not private with my thoughts) but I am so painfully private in my life. I love walking around alone, or with just one or two friends. I love being…alone. Being in my own world, where no one knows me where it’s just me…and the outside world.
So when people I know turn up in my halls, I get this disruption to my “privacy”. It’s like I can separate the outside world (the “day” life) and my own private life. I get edgy and frenzied and anxious. I guess said classmate saw my laundry. A person’s most private possessions are one’s clothes. So it was really such a “jolt” and my mental state right now is extremely bad today. I just want to hide under covers in my room behind locked doors- lock, lock, lock. The further the better. I am so keen on having my own zone, it’s damaging to my psyche when this zone gets an “interference”.
I guess not much has changed since primary school. I would always get extremely homesick every time I go with the school; I think because it involves me staying somewhere foreign, and around people I know, this privacy that I crave is no longer present. I am super, super into family (because they have been there before anyone would have the capacity to develop barriers at all) which is a good thing I guess because my mom’s a very family person too and she likes that. But this also means that have very distinct divisions emotionally when I’m going about in my normal external life and when I’m at home (home being with myself or with people in the “family” category). Not that I can’t socialise of course; I just get jumpy when I already settle into this “home” zone then reality comes into view.
An update: I’m a bit better now because I am now lying in bed and I breathed in lovely warm laundry. Reminds me of the “babies smell like warm milk” expression in Perfume.
What about you? Do you get jumpy and stuff? I really want to read some replies, because I feel like a total weirdo right now.