In Mourning: A Eulogy for my Paper

In Mourning: A Eulogy for my Paper

I am in mourning.


In mourning for my past self, passions, interests, hopes and dreams.

In mourning for the could-have-beens, you, my darling.


You held so much promise. You were supposed to be clever, inspirational, creative.

You could have been that. A shining gem in my always-dark world.


But I did not raise you right.

Broken promises, sloppiness abound, overwhelmed, filled to the brim, like an overflowing reservoir, uncontrollable, uncontrollable, I couldn’t think, I can’t think.

And so there you are, a shell of nothingness. A bottle of broken hopes, self-loathing, unfulfilled desire, apathy, too-much-sentiment, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Your skin a softness that only pure, unadulterated embarrassment can bring.

Never again, I say. I shout. My voice verberating against the walls of your glassy exterior, echoing a million times hauntingly, threatening to shatter the little self-dignity that I still hold. Hear me out. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again.

I bury you in the earth and water you with tears of disappointment. But the grief never goes away. The disappointment, the dread, the embarrassment, the regret. The sorries don’t make them go away.


And to whom the hand belongs that you were slain, I say again – I’m sorry.









Reminder to self

Reminder to self

hard pill to swallow but a reminder to myself

if i refuse to get credit for what i’ve done

then i should just move on

and stop sulking over not getting credit

learn and move on

it really doesn’t matter

of course it’s a bitter pill to swallow

but it really doesn’t matter

not in the slightest bit

just learn and move on

It’s no one’s fault but mine

and blessed i am to often be handed these lessons early in life


and for however chatty i am

i really need to learn to verbalise my thoughts better

why am i always so embarrassed to speak up when an injustice is being done to me

but so willing to when it’s an injustice done to others

perhaps i like the idea of being a crusader behind the veil

but if being behind the veil won’t make me happy

then i should just learn and move on

and stop hiding behind the veil

have trust in no one’s goodness except my own

To be forgotten soon

To be forgotten soon

Some days I think about you more than others.

People don’t understand it’s not your face. It’s your aura, it’s how you exude intelligence with everything you say.

It’s how you represent my love for a subject that has run deep, with its tentacles wrapped tightly around my innermost desires, squeezing like a baby’s little fist, a sensation that confounds me and makes me question my plans. Is it a calling?

One thing I fear is that my interest will be washed away just like my passion for many people – and things – in my life, going as fast as it first came, never to be seen again, leaving in its wake a scene of disruption, confusion and lack of meaning.

It’s your laugh too, your concern that casts a shadow of doubt on my conviction that you couldn’t care less about teaching. Sometimes I forget. That while teaching is not primary it does not mean that teaching is a burden. Some people do see some meaning in teaching.

You make me feel believed, noticed, alive. Seeing you again I feel the warm embrace of what I used to love – and still do love – which leaves deep in me an indescribable feeling of content.

People say arrogance follows competence and intelligence, but they haven’t met you. They haven’t seen your nods that reassure one they aren’t as stupid as they think- however unintended such an effect is.

You probably don’t care, and you’ll probably forget my name in a couple of years. I’m just one of the many, the sea of faces that is mutable, an unidentifiable mass of people, swimming into the depths of your memories which will remain forgotten. Forever.

But forever still I’ll be grateful to you.



Odette, Em and Eugenia- my dearest readers:


Don’t you just feel so sentimental thinking about these:

streetlamps, wintry night, antiques, wood, covent garden selling flowers, theatres, the old, old new York, west egg east egg, westminister, bridget jones, jersey boys idk




I have a real problem with liking the past. Not my past. Any past. The Song dynasty. The roaring twenties, American colonial past, Pygmalion.




I ought to be studying criminal right now but I just need to make a short rant. Why does life suck so much. Why must I be attracted to someone? When I came to uni I swore off crushes and feelings and pursuing anybody. I feel like I might be falling down this big black hole again. It’s just like there are some people you’re naturally more attracted to, biological instinct, whatever. And I thought I got over him (it wasn’t very deep to begin with) last term but seeing him again after Easter just kinda… I don’t know. Oh for God’s sake I don’t know, I need clarity (and if not, stability, at the very least) in my life. And the dynamics are so different now, I no longer *crush unreasonably* on someone, everything’s objective, oh I think he’s objectively talented and aarrghhh I don’t know what to think anymore. Subjectively attractive. Objectively a good partner. And why always me doing the liking, what is wrong with me, what is wrong with me, whatiswrongwithmewhatiswrongwithme??!!!! I need to be more focused on my work. NO FEELINGS. FEELINGS = PROCRASTINATION.

Ok Oh God please God help me just take away all my feelings; why give me so many when I can’t feel them? My feelings aren’t very complex as a person so I can’t really rationalise new feelings which just bunches together into irritation and angst. Like I can’t appreciate the individual threads, I just know I’m annoyed.

And I’m tired of being annoyed. AAARGHHHH why does nothing go right in my life???

And it’s not Jeff, people think I *have a crush on* him which is ridiculous, he is my teacher after all. I think I’m slightly fixated because he represents an ideal of a life I want to have: happy family, good at what I do, driven, funny and just being good at what you do.I’ve never seen him in any way other than with admiration. I…can’t… arghh.

When will life give me answers???!!!

Thoughts on a Monday Night

Thoughts on a Monday Night

Just spent my night watching Bridget Jones. Because I’m too tired to do work.

And it’s funny because watching chick flicks like these and listening to “all by myself” made me feel like writing something like “oh how my heart clenches, aching for love, the warmth of it, smooth, like steamed milk” when I realise I am not actually aching for love like I really don’t feel it.

Some thoughts and Anxiety

Some thoughts and Anxiety

Ok, I need to calm down. Take a deep breath.

The thing is, I get unravelled really easily. Emotionally unravelled. So I really need to calm down.

Forgive my fragmented thoughts, I am still in a bit of a frenzied state.

Let me start from the beginning.

I realised I have been getting emotionally frenzied every time I bump into people I know in my halls. Not like people staying there- those I am completely used to, I enjoy it even, to see them and spend time with them. I mean my classmates who don’t stay in the hall and somehow turn up in my hall.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have hard feelings towards these people, I consider them friends, even. It’s just- I’m intensely and ironically private. I use social media and post my thoughts (I guess not private with my thoughts) but I am so painfully private in my life. I love walking around alone, or with just one or two friends. I love being…alone. Being in my own world, where no one knows me where it’s just me…and the outside world.

So when people I know turn up in my halls, I get this disruption to my “privacy”. It’s like I can separate the outside world (the “day” life) and my own private life. I get edgy and frenzied and anxious. I guess said classmate saw my laundry. A person’s most private possessions are one’s clothes. So it was really such a “jolt” and my mental state right now is extremely bad today. I just want to hide under covers in my room behind locked doors- lock, lock, lock. The further the better. I am so keen on having my own zone, it’s damaging to my psyche when this zone gets an “interference”.

I guess not much has changed since primary school. I would always get extremely homesick every time I go with the school; I think because it involves me staying somewhere foreign, and around people I know, this privacy that I crave is no longer present. I am super, super into family (because they have been there before anyone would have the capacity to develop barriers at all) which is a good thing I guess because my mom’s a very family person too and she likes that. But this also means that have very distinct divisions emotionally when I’m going about in my normal external life and when I’m at home (home being with myself or with people in the “family” category). Not that I can’t socialise of course; I just get jumpy when I already settle into this “home” zone then reality comes into view.

An update: I’m a bit better now because I am now lying in bed and I breathed in lovely warm laundry. Reminds me of the “babies smell like warm milk” expression in Perfume.

What about you? Do you get jumpy and stuff? I really want to read some replies, because I feel like a total weirdo right now.