Musings at 4.40am

J –

 

It’s late so I’ll probably get to sleep in a bit. Again I did not manage to stay off netflix though I did clean my room, just a bit left for tomorrow.

I have decided that I’ll stay away from law stuff till July. The whole of June I’m going to finish my Russian, Spanish, revise French, start on Korean and Cantonese. I want to bake dark chocolate sea salt cookies. I want to be fit and have a good body. I want to read all the history books and fiction books I didn’t have the time to read for the past three years. And I want to survive my research attachment while not in the mood for law.

I’m going to sell my couch and get a proper reading chair. Once I’m done Marie-Kondo-ing my room I’m going to start on the study.

We’ll have so much fun. I think I’m obsessed with cleaning – it’s really the inner “J” in me. What is life without order?

Sophia x

A New Start

I’ve tried to set up new blogs, but none were as successful as this one. I think this blog is just something special to me, having blogged on it since more than 7 years ago, and having accumulated 124 posts.

My life is in flux. There is no better expression to express this. I feel unsettled, listless. I feel like everything I believe in, every trait that makes up my personality and value system, everything about me, my beliefs, my dreams, everything – all, upended. It wasn’t just the coronavirus. I somehow feel like I can’t concentrate anymore, there is too much that I have not had the time to figure out myself, too much, too much mess, complication, chaos.

And perhaps now more than ever I’ll blog. Journal. Call it whatever you want. It’ll be like the old days, but more pensive thoughts. More about what my life is about. I hate chaos. I really do. I want clarity, I want to know what I want, what my life is for. I just want to stop feeling like I’m on the edge all the time, like something big is coming, like a change, you know. Like a tsunami that will sweep me off my feet, leaving me in nothingness. It first started with little ripples then it became bigger ones and now I’m just a fragment of my old self, though I’m not yet sure if I should mourn the old. I feel soulless, lifeless, and alarmingly, unalarmed.

I actually think this is the point where I truly become an adult. I do. The early 20s are so hard, I swear. It’s so hard. It’s just so hard, when everything you believe in changes. When you learn lessons the hard way. I don’t need to step into the real world to see how cruel and different the real world is. Studying with a bunch of mid-twenties to mid-thirties is pretty much the same.

Oh, and more personal rants/blogs will be directed to “J”. Don’t ask me who “J” is. J is personal to me now. J represents everything to me – my flaws, my inadequacies, my lack of ambition. You may figure out who J is if you ever figure out what my fake instagram is – he’s one of the only three people I follow.

Sophia x