I have started a new ESTJ blog titled “Life of an ESTJ girl”. It can be found at: lifeofanestjgirl.wordpress.com. I created this blog in part to support other ESTJ girls who find themselves unable to fit into the “desirable girl” archetype due to the dominance of our personality, which is something that has traditionally been considered masculine. It also serves as a way to chronicle my journey to self-discovery, as I am not very introspective, and I hope that through understanding muself better, I can strengthen my Fe.
Anyway do check out this blog if interested! There will be other MBTI stuff too!
I already knew it was stupid to like someone who was more desirable than I am. I knew. I should have listened to my rationality. It’s so stupid that I didn’t listen. God. That’s the whole point of rationality. It protects you. It tells you what the best course of action is. I should have used my rationality to my advantage.
I should have listened to my father when he told me the only kind of men who would like me back are older ones. Their priorities match mine. They have the type of politeness that I value/find important. Their topics of interest match mine. They are past the age of “discovery” and it’s a phase of my life that I plan to skip anyway. To hell with drinking/partying/experimenting. Being wild. Never was that kind of person, neither was I ever interested in becoming one. I need someone who is already past that. I need someone who is steady, courageous, can do stuff. Someone Jared Kushner-esque.
I should have listened to those people who told me it is futile. But boy am I stubborn, turning the clock back won’t change anything anyhow.
I knew it all along that it was a bad choice. How I wish to yell at myself: I knew, I knew, I knew!
I believe in rational love.
In fact, what is love, but the body’s chemical response when it sees a potential mate?
I believe in rational love, because I honestly don’t see how love is truly romantic/irrational/by chance. I think that we get this chemical response because this “mate” possesses the attributes that make one desirable. We tend to think that love is unexpected. The “oh my gosh I slowly fell in love with this girl/boy”. but honestly, think about it. You fell in “love” because you realised how pretty/funny/smart/principled/talented/suitable a person is, and thus your body, feeling that perhaps this person would be a good mate, releases the chemicals that make love, love.
When someone likes somebody else, this is because that someone believes whoever he/she likes possess the traits that he/she can appreciate. If someone doesn’t like another person back, it means that their expectations/criteria (I’m talking about the subconscious here) do not match.
So, I believe in rational love.
Glad that I’m going Europe for a month. I need that break, really. Emotional break.
Glad that I can put full focus into a subject I care about.
Glad that the only things I need to do all day is to read and write.
Glad that IB is over
I feel sick.
All that “why did you do it” invading my mind. Thank God I did it. It can help me grow as a person.
Now back to reading and writing
2 chinese papers
lots of music prep
Last day of friendship
Bravest thing I’ve done
Sleeping late because of the bravest thing I’ve done
Rushing to buy a dress, shoes, bag and do make-up
Putting my dignity and my emotions on the line (necessary evil)
Last day of friendship
Frantically checking my email
Prom and winning most likely to cure cancer (sure)
Emails, emails, emails!!!
Got the email!
Buying plane tickets
Life ain’t looking too good.
Done. Complete. Complet. Fini.
Put my heart out on a platter for you. Please don’t drop it.