Recently, my TCM therapist asked me if I had a boyfriend. I scoffed at her question, but this really put me in a state of cogitation: of my seemingly-distant JC life, of my various “crushes”, of who I hope to be with.
It seems like another life: writing confession letters, feeling the flutter of my heart as I walk past a crush, wasting time on aimless texting for that 2 seconds of attention. As I reminisce, I realise I do not really know what I was thinking at the time. My desire must have been driven by stress, my mind’s feeble attempt at finding a refuge. I can’t remember our friendship, or if we even had a friendship in the first place, or any interaction. It’s all gone, and I really can’t remember at all.I don’t think people will believe when when I write this, but it’s true. Gone, nothing. No feelings, no empty void, no memory. That’s the worst part. Thank God I did alright for IB, or I would have felt regretful that I spent so much time on something that I can’t even remember. I’m so different now. I feel more grounded, more calm, more directed. I have a lot more clarity in my life. I know better what it is that I want, what kind of person I’m looking for. When I feel myself on verge on fancying someone, I stop and reflect: what attribute of his attracts me? His maturity? His levelness? It’s important to be introspective and learn about your preferences. Then, you can make wise decisions on the type of person who would get along well with you, whom you don’t mind falling in love with.
I wasn’t planning to put this post up (in fact I stopped writing a few days ago) but a conversation with Matthew spurred me to continue with my endeavours (i.e blogging). So here’s a fun, reflective post:
I want a man who’s loud, rambunctious.
Someone to match my huge laughter, my incessant jokes
someone who accepts my enthusiasm
who reflects my zeal for life
who laughs and sings with me
someone glamorous maybe
well-dressed, knowledgeable, passionate
someone who isn’t reserved
But still enjoys time with just two of us together
someone who takes me, and takes us seriously
someone who doesn’t mind spending mornings lazying about
sipping coffees, nibbling muffins, just reading
someone whom I can be at total ease with without talking
yet someone who keeps the conversation alive
someone who likes going out and having a little fun
only with me though, obviously!
someone who sees me as a best friend
a best friend
someone who likes classical music, yet also loud, dancey music
someone who doesn’t like texting
texting stresses me out
someone smart who prevents me from engaging in superficial discourse
when I am perfectly able to make meaningful ones
someone who brings out my best self
someone mild-mannered but no milquetoast.
someone more dominant than I am
A leo is who I want 😉