Complicated feelings

Complicated feelings

(Taking a break of chemistry, which I have been taking slow the whole day LOL but too tired after math, seriously!)

Ah, an ESTJ with a crush!

What a funny funny thing. It’s like a constant battle between the heart and the mind, the linguistic part of me and the more rational, logical and analytical part of me. There’s that sweet feeling of being infatuated and the self-disgust of liking someone during IB year, of liking someone IN MY YEAR, of liking someone who will never like me back. Also the disgust of never being able to show some self-restraint and go, “Sophia, just stop”. I often re-read the Margaret Atwood poem “The Woman Who Could Not Live With Her Faulty Heart” because it really speaks to me and my current circumstance.

But how can I not like you, when you’re always so nice to me? When you’ve got the very qualities (I think) that I find extremely endearing, traits I would want a best friend to have (ok not sure if I’m putting you on a pedestal). When your MBTI and mine match so well. (Sigh pies). We’re both traditionalists. When you smile, everything brightens. I like smiles in general, and I particularly like YOUR SMILE. I like your sparkly white teeth, which are nicer/as nice as mine (except I have an overbite) and I really value teeth, you know. I love teeth, that’s why I floss every day (my mom would have me floss after every meal but I always forget to bring floss with me and I can’t spend so much money to buy floss all the time). Yea I really do love teeth. Damn. It’s the teeth. And your eyes which shine when you’re excited about something.

I guess it’s a good thing ESTJs, being guided by rationality MOST OF THE TIME, can move on quickly. Because I already foresee myself moving on without getting the least bit hurt. But the annoying thing is that I can only work with a schedule (whether written formally and just a mental note) and right now I’m still at the “feeling infatuated” stage. The deadline for moving on is prom and after writing the letter, which I plan to write after Chem Paper 3 in a nice cafe.  So till then. (sigh, so tired of all these already but schedules have to be respected). I feel like I’m stuck in the flat portion of the Keynesian curve. And I currently need to move through life with great effort (like G spending). And once I give the letter, straight up I go (towards adulthood), no longer will I care about what you think! 🙂

(Ok I guess most will not see these feelings as “complicated” but they are to me because I am not very good with feelings. I mostly only experience joy, anger, sadness, disappointment and the heart-fluttering feeling of being in lur-ve.)



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