I know I’m not supposed to be writing during my promotional exams, but I’m only left with Math Paper 2 (yay me!) so I can’t hold back my desire to write anymore. Damn, I’ve screwed up so many things, and I’m really quite upset about all that. It’s so weird because I had a migraine all freaking week; I know I can’t blame the migraine, I must also think about my own productivity and effectiveness as a learner, but I’m truly tired of feeling like I’m floating, like I have no control over what I think (and how careful/how not careful I am).
Anyway, that aside, I can’t help but feel annoyed and resigned after being reminded (yet again) of the hardest thing in life. (And I sincerely do hope that by writing this piece, since it’s a form of catharsis for me, everything will get better. Please. Let everything get better.) And that is:
Or overcoming emotions, to be accurate. I absolutely do not understand the need to have emotions. Sometimes, I want nothing more than to be an unfeeling creature who does not feel anything for other people, only for itself. How good would that be? I’d just live an existential existence (pun not intended) where all that matters are my wants and needs and I do not need to be interrupted and bothered by emotions.
Sometimes, I can’t help but be hormonal. To like people. Though, I must say, 17’s a pretty hormonal age. And that’s what makes being 17 difficult (and 15, and 16). It’s just so hard. Gosh! It exasperates me so much. You just have absolutely no control. It’s not as easy as simply saying, “hey, stop, it’s ruining your life.” I mean, sure, you can, but it doesn’t stop you from sneaking glances at people. Or searching them up. Or wishing you’d meet them just one time. It’s so, so hard!
I have had enough. Enough. I saddens me to say this, but I am truly disgusted with my emotions and my life at this point, seriously. My grades aren’t exemplary anymore, and I don’t think I deserve to and should like people; it’s all futile, it’s going to distract me even more and it just tires me mentally, completely. I- Grrrr! It’s so so annoying! It’s ruinous and it just screws you up inside! First, it was Harry and Zayn from One Direction. (It didn’t really affect my grades but I realised afterwards how little growing I did as a person for I spent all my time fangirling. (Think of all the books I could’ve read if I didn’t fangirl!) Then it was that guy. Then the other guy. Then Mesut Oezil and Bastian Schweinsteiger. (THAT was particularly ruinous. I found myself searching for job vacancies at Arsenal.) And then it was that musician. And now…
I’m too disappointed in myself. I don’t even think half of them are genuine, but they sure waste a lot of time. Absolutely REVOLTING. It’s THE HORMONES. Those very hormones have driven me to walk around Disney World in hope of seeing the very cute whom I’ve regretted not talking to when I queued behind him 3 times. Talk about coincidence.
I am just so so tired. I wish life is simpler. Emotions make life so hard. And I don’t really care about emotions making us humans and all. It’s driving me crazy. Really.